5/19/2015
Dear Rick,
It has been nearly 5 months since you moved to your own room.
Why am I here?
We really don't spend time together.
Why am I here?
We don't talk about things that are important so our relationship can grow.
Why am I here?
You decide things with out talking to me even if they involve me.
Why am I here?
I go to bed alone I wake up alone.
Why am I here?
You get more new things then I do.
Is that why I am here?
We watch only what you want to watch never anything I want.
Why am I here?
You don't keep your word to me.
Why am I here?
You seldom pay me back the money you promise.
Is that why I am here?
You say actions speak louder then words... what do your actions say.


You say your mom is moving out June 1st because of bull shit she set into motion.  She told the bank a bunch of BS and now social services is involved.  Your distant and sad but you will not talk to me about it... WHY AM I HERE?
I don't want to live with your mom.  She steals from me... She steals from you.
When you had problems with the boys they moved to make YOU happy not me.  My happiness does not really matter.  Now they are moving back in because that is the ONLY way to have more money.
I think I should just move out.. but I am to scared to set that into motion... IT is not like  you show me that you want me around.
You had me find you a dentist now that I need one you wont return the favor.

5/19/2015

Dear Judy,
I don't know why you have always for the most part hated me.  I have tried ever so hard to get you to like me.. that was until a few months ago.  I gave up trying.  No matter what I did as soon as you were not getting what you wanted NOT BECAUSE OF ME but because Rick your son spent the money you would talk badly about me behind my back.  I don't get really what I want either but notice who does?   Who is the one who ends up with the most new stuff?  But it does not matter you tell Missy and whoever will listen that it is ME who is the money hungry bitch.  It is ME you talk bad about.  Now you have gone to far.  You got your checks frozen.  Why because you went and said stuff to the bank and they reported it to social security they then are making you go see a social worker.  I am not sure what you said since you wont tell anyone.  I am thinking based on what you told people that day that you told someone at the bank that if you didn't give me $150 that I was going to kill your dog and put  you in a nursing home.  Notice I did not get any of that money .. in fact I gave him all my money too and on top of that I had to pay off money rick went into to debt with and pay for a hotel for him to stay at.  but some how you make me the villein in all this.
I wont ever like you because I know you will never change... Your sweet to my face with a knife to my back all the time.  You steal from me... for that reason I had to put a lock on my door.  You lie about me and to me.  You tell me you have no money for the things you need when you actually do.
Remember the opening your bank account who paid for that when all along you had the money.  You even try to get Rick to lie to me so you can swindle money out of me.  Or get me to pay for your share so YOU can have more money.  I AM NOT THE ONE TAKING YOUR MONEY!! why wont you understand that.  I DO NOT SPEND YOUR MONEY!! I spend my money NOT YOURS!!
You don't care believe what you want ...
Rick says your moving I am guessing that is what you want too... Whether you stay or go I am done.  I will not spend MORE then my share I will NOT buy your diapers any more I WILL NOT pay for your meds .. you never buy mine so why the hell should I buy yours.  I will NOT pay for your trips to Duluth.  They have free services that will take you.  I will be respectful to your face but when your here I will be in my room.  End of story...

Dear Rick,
We got out of the hospital today... Yesterday you had an "episode" you lost sight in your eye and got real dizzy loosing conscientiousness at least once and fell twice... You went to the ER after I had to leave for work.  You went 24 hours with out a cigarette... Then you came home and you were not even home 5 minutes and what did you do?  You smoked and smoked and smoked... you first said you would only have three, three led to four four led to five... five led to 10...
We came home and we had to drive Chenoa around to do what she had to do to move here... SHE MOVED HERE!!! she was one of the reasons we moved here to get away from her... but OH no!! you move her here.  You say that you wont be like before putting her needs before me and the kids but yeah right.  YOU NEVER keep your word with me... What I want what I feel does not matter to you.
Your sleeping now.
I am very disappointed I thought with going 24 hours with not smoking you would REALLY try not to smoke but NOPE!!!

Rachael,
Do you know me?  NOPE!
We work together, sure and you have been there several years to my few months so yeah you know the job a bit better then I do.  However I see your mistakes... I don't point them out like you do me but I see them.
I am 44 years old... I can't move as fast as you.  I can't bed as well as you and on days like today after working nearly 8 hours on little to no sleep...MY mind does not work properly.  HOWEVER I am not Stupid... I hate that you treat me like I am.
I normally get drink cups first unless Christy is there because she don't like it...
I normally get sauce for nuggets last.. because 1 it is easier.. and 2 customers like to hide the ones you gave so they get more. YOU are NOT a manager... you are NOT my boss so stop acting like it.

Alan,
I am sure your autistic... though you wont go get tested to find that genetic link to the boys.  I know you have health issues; however neither of those things stop you from doing the things you want.
You never call these boys.  You don't even make an effort to be their dad.. This makes me sad for them.  How could you care so little about your own children.  When Cody lived with you, you made NO effort to celebrate his birthday.  not a cake nothing.  All you cared about was your new girlfriend now wife.  You care nothing about these kids.
I am very disappointed in you.

Rick,
I walked to work in the rain today... I didn't call you when my shift was over...
It is hard to keep pretending that I am happy with how our relationship is..

• We are more like room mates/friends with benefits then a couple.. No matter what I try we berly spend time as a couple.  We hang out as friends sometimes... but you would rather spend time alone in your room with your computer. I have tried to talk to you about this but I get
  "Why should I change no one else does" .. Yeah that is going to make things better.. NOT.. Your comparing yourself to a Teen age boy that is so mature
  I get " I am not used to being a couple I am used to being alone" BUT you never do anything to change that... YOU KEEP IT AS IS>.. Unless your needing intimacy then you want to spend time with me.  
• You borrow money from bill money to buy what what ever ... BUT when you get money YOU NEVER PAY IT BACK...
• We cancelled the wedding.. You said to me " I will marry you but I wont live long since I am loosing insurance" HOW could I possibly ever marry you after you said that? I CAN'T.. So I call off the wedding to make your health better.. yet at the same time your smoking and doing things that make your health worst... YOU CARE about your health only when it came to marring me... IN MY MIND YOU DIDN'T want to marry me...

After I told you my issues your answer was to go through with the wedding... I told you that ship has sailed I would NOT be marring you.  You asked if that was forever.. I can't say FOREVER... but being that 

1. You wont tell Annette or your Mom that we got married... makes me feel like your ashamed of being my husband OR I am not worth the hassle they will give you.  
2. You don't want to spend time with me now... getting married wont change a damn thing... 
3. I have already planned three weddings I wont waste my time my energy or my emotions in planning another one.  

That ship as I said is sailed... In my mind I have to make plans being alone...
TO be honest I am contemplation moving out if I am going this alone I might as well do it alone.  YOU think I want someone else... YEAH as I have said a billion times I am NEVER putting my heart out there to be hurt again... I rather live the rest of my life alone.  This whole being in LOVE thing SUCKS dog shit.  

Hi Rick,
I knew it would happen.. The wedding has been canceled, Why? because to go through with it would mean that you would loose your medical.  You never REALLY wanted to do this anyway.. though you said you would never resent me I know you would everytime you got sick... How can I marry you when you say.. We can get married but know that I am going to die sooner then later because of it.  REALLY? you know putting it that way I would back out.. YOU KNEW THAT!! I think you were looking for a way to back out anyway.  Not like we spend time as a couple.  You block me at every turn.
I am probably going to quit my job too.  WHY work it just messes up your perfect rainbow and unicorn life.
You got mad at me because I was sad the wedding was off.. LOL you wanted me to be happy about it.. what a joke.