Dear Rick,
We got out of the hospital today... Yesterday you had an "episode" you lost sight in your eye and got real dizzy loosing conscientiousness at least once and fell twice... You went to the ER after I had to leave for work.  You went 24 hours with out a cigarette... Then you came home and you were not even home 5 minutes and what did you do?  You smoked and smoked and smoked... you first said you would only have three, three led to four four led to five... five led to 10...
We came home and we had to drive Chenoa around to do what she had to do to move here... SHE MOVED HERE!!! she was one of the reasons we moved here to get away from her... but OH no!! you move her here.  You say that you wont be like before putting her needs before me and the kids but yeah right.  YOU NEVER keep your word with me... What I want what I feel does not matter to you.
Your sleeping now.
I am very disappointed I thought with going 24 hours with not smoking you would REALLY try not to smoke but NOPE!!!

Rachael,
Do you know me?  NOPE!
We work together, sure and you have been there several years to my few months so yeah you know the job a bit better then I do.  However I see your mistakes... I don't point them out like you do me but I see them.
I am 44 years old... I can't move as fast as you.  I can't bed as well as you and on days like today after working nearly 8 hours on little to no sleep...MY mind does not work properly.  HOWEVER I am not Stupid... I hate that you treat me like I am.
I normally get drink cups first unless Christy is there because she don't like it...
I normally get sauce for nuggets last.. because 1 it is easier.. and 2 customers like to hide the ones you gave so they get more. YOU are NOT a manager... you are NOT my boss so stop acting like it.

Alan,
I am sure your autistic... though you wont go get tested to find that genetic link to the boys.  I know you have health issues; however neither of those things stop you from doing the things you want.
You never call these boys.  You don't even make an effort to be their dad.. This makes me sad for them.  How could you care so little about your own children.  When Cody lived with you, you made NO effort to celebrate his birthday.  not a cake nothing.  All you cared about was your new girlfriend now wife.  You care nothing about these kids.
I am very disappointed in you.

Rick,
I walked to work in the rain today... I didn't call you when my shift was over...
It is hard to keep pretending that I am happy with how our relationship is..

• We are more like room mates/friends with benefits then a couple.. No matter what I try we berly spend time as a couple.  We hang out as friends sometimes... but you would rather spend time alone in your room with your computer. I have tried to talk to you about this but I get
  "Why should I change no one else does" .. Yeah that is going to make things better.. NOT.. Your comparing yourself to a Teen age boy that is so mature
  I get " I am not used to being a couple I am used to being alone" BUT you never do anything to change that... YOU KEEP IT AS IS>.. Unless your needing intimacy then you want to spend time with me.  
• You borrow money from bill money to buy what what ever ... BUT when you get money YOU NEVER PAY IT BACK...
• We cancelled the wedding.. You said to me " I will marry you but I wont live long since I am loosing insurance" HOW could I possibly ever marry you after you said that? I CAN'T.. So I call off the wedding to make your health better.. yet at the same time your smoking and doing things that make your health worst... YOU CARE about your health only when it came to marring me... IN MY MIND YOU DIDN'T want to marry me...

After I told you my issues your answer was to go through with the wedding... I told you that ship has sailed I would NOT be marring you.  You asked if that was forever.. I can't say FOREVER... but being that 

1. You wont tell Annette or your Mom that we got married... makes me feel like your ashamed of being my husband OR I am not worth the hassle they will give you.  
2. You don't want to spend time with me now... getting married wont change a damn thing... 
3. I have already planned three weddings I wont waste my time my energy or my emotions in planning another one.  

That ship as I said is sailed... In my mind I have to make plans being alone...
TO be honest I am contemplation moving out if I am going this alone I might as well do it alone.  YOU think I want someone else... YEAH as I have said a billion times I am NEVER putting my heart out there to be hurt again... I rather live the rest of my life alone.  This whole being in LOVE thing SUCKS dog shit.  

Hi Rick,
I knew it would happen.. The wedding has been canceled, Why? because to go through with it would mean that you would loose your medical.  You never REALLY wanted to do this anyway.. though you said you would never resent me I know you would everytime you got sick... How can I marry you when you say.. We can get married but know that I am going to die sooner then later because of it.  REALLY? you know putting it that way I would back out.. YOU KNEW THAT!! I think you were looking for a way to back out anyway.  Not like we spend time as a couple.  You block me at every turn.
I am probably going to quit my job too.  WHY work it just messes up your perfect rainbow and unicorn life.
You got mad at me because I was sad the wedding was off.. LOL you wanted me to be happy about it.. what a joke.

Rick vent letter

Hello Rick,

...........................................................Venting Letter..............................................................................

To my surprise we did pick up our marriage licence on Friday as you said we would.  Now lets see if you follow through with the rest of us.  To be honest I don't feel like a couple.  We don't spend time as a couple. we are more friends who hang out then a couple.  Sure we have sex from time to time when you want it that is.  But most the time you would rather be alone.  I often think you should marry yourself since that is the only one your happy to be around.
I don't like how you talk about Cody.  For all intense of purposes he is a normal teenage boy who never does his chores.  Is that a bad thing  yes... should he get away with it no.  That said you would never be ok with me talking about your mother with the venim in which you talk about Cody on a daily basis to me.  WAY NOT COOL.
You got a new phone yesterday.  I think it would have been more fair that I got the better phone first.  Since you owe me so much money.  However that is not how you role.  You come first most the time.  Every once in a great while you surprise me and are not that way but more often then not.
 I am sure if you are REALLY reading this your throwing a fit.  WHAT EVER... you hate when your mom does that and yet you do it ALL THE DAMN TIME
Your still smoking... WOW big shock huh!! Every damn day you say this is the last day that your cutting down that your going to do it.  EVERY DAMN day you buy another pack of smokes... complain that your mom steals some of them.  and blame my son for your smoking when you were smoked the entire time he was not here ... oh wait then it was Tyler's fault... It is YOUR fault you smoke... There is ALWAYS stress... Everyone has to grow a set and learn better ways to deal with it.  YOU SMOKE because you DO NOT WANT TO REALLY QUIT.
Just like you don't REALLY want to spend time with me just like you REALLY don't want to change anything I am supposed to change while you stay the same... oh wait that is right YOUR RICK it is supposed to be that way.

Hello Rick,
Your back into Cranky mode.
You complain almost every time we are together you complain about Cody.
"Cody does not do anything" you say (he does more around here then you and your mom do)
"All Cody does ALL day is play on that computer"...

Personally I think Cody is doing well nothing REALLY different then any other teen his age.
I think your mad because you have to work to pay off many of these bills you have made for us.  Because you and I both know full well when your NOT working your on that computer ALL DAMN day.  You and I have talked about it because I have been upset that you NEVER spend time with me because your on that computer every waking moment.
You also complain about the house being dirty but guess what buddy YOU DON'T clean either.  The only one cleaning is MY boys.  And CJ does dishes.  Your mom does not clean anything.  You clean NOTHING NOT even your room.  Dustin does not clean.  I clean some but lately I have not.

Today you upset me After working TWO jobs.  Mcdonalds and a house clean up for Mark.  You wanted me to make you food.
 I did and you said "I am not in the mood for spicey"
HOW FREAKING RUDE... I go to the trouble to make you two dinners actually and then you don't want it cuz your not in the mood for spicey...
The fact that you treated me like a maid pisses me off too.  Told Tyler "go back on your game I will have Trudy make me something"  WOW ... nice guy... When you going to cook for me?  I am sure you don't because of some complaint you have against my kids.  But that does not stop me from cooking for you.

I am also upset because you have blown through all the truck payment money again... we now owe 570 on the truck.  I had to buy you car stuff.. and you bought game stuff for me and you promising you would pay for it.  Then guess what ... YOU didn't I am guessing you don't really want that truck because you care nothing about making the damn payments.

Rick,
When I asked you to show me her texts you got all secretive and wouldn't show me until after you deleted it.
You first tried to play off I was crazy that I didn't see what I seen ... But I am NOT crazy like that...
Now you play off that you don't know how it got deleted.
Your argument why would you send her money when she is doing better then we are?  Answer because YOU like taking care of her.  She likes you taking care of her.

I can't trust you and I am sure I will never be able to again.
SAD SAD SAD.

Hello Michael,
I wish I had never fallen for you.  The only reason that I am happy I met you is that is how I met Rick as for the 10 years we spent together it was all a lie.  I believe you used me like you are using Colleen now?
You lied to me almost the entire time we were together.  Then leaving like you did so sudden left a gaping whole not only for me but all the children that came into our lives.  The sad is you don't give a damn that you hurt all these people.
I am trying to learn to forgive you as the Bible says I should but I don't know how to do that with the enormous pain that I am in.  Every time your name is brought up it hurts.  Every time I have a passing thought of you it hurts.  I have no real happy moments.  Sure there are things I miss about being with you that I don't have now... however that is a reflection of my needs not how you were as a person.
Rick thinks that if you came back into my life I would go back to you but how could I.  With the amount of lies you told how could I ever trust a word you said?  Being that you left me for another woman how could I ever trust you not to cheat on me? I couldn't.... I don't think of you and smile I am not sure that could ever happen... I look at our lives together and think what a waste...
Had I never been with you I still have Sunny and Lily because "Angel" would have let Rick sign the papers instead of you and he would have been a much better father to them then you ever were.  In his mind you ruined my boys.  How could you be a part of their lives for over 10 years and just walk away like they were nothing?  You don't even care how badly you hurt them boys.  They still have issues because of how you did that.
Being the enormity of the way you lied about your crime I have to think that you are a danger to everyone around you.  I have to wonder if you did something with Peggy, if your doing something to colleen's daughter now, I hope if you are doing that sick stuff that someone stops you for good.
I am going to end this now...
Good bye Mike.  
It is my hopes that I never see you again in this life time.

Hello Rick,
We made love this morning, It was not that good sorry but it was not. Besides the fact that I was already upset that I bought you a pack of smokes something you promised I would NEVER have to do again.   You smelled and tasted of Smoke YUCK... It was not all bad but it was not that good either.

I wish you didn't want to smoke.  You keep saying you don't but yet you keep doing it.  I feel like you love smoking more then you love being with me and making love to me.  It is sad and it breaks my heart.


Later...

after a Trying day at work.... I came home and at first all was cool UNTIL we had to go somewhere...THEN OMG!! you started in AGAIN... Bitching about Cody... Cody don't do this CODY is nasty and he does that.   It went on and on... and you got ruder and ruder... of course it is my fault cuz I don't make him...
AGAIN you CLEAN NOTHING in this house EVER!!!
You make the kids clean the vehicles and after you all the time... My children are your slaves... Why is that?

You have a JW meeting with mark after dealing with you and your foul attitude I am not going.  I don't care I am not going.

Hello Love,
I am happy you got the job and you start work.  I hope this works out for you.  Jobs in the past have not either you quit for one reason or the other or you don't get paid.  That always sucks and right now we are in HUGE debt.
I was really mad at you when I went to work.  You needed more money for gas out of the money we put on the card to pay the truck.  I said I wish I had never taken out the loan for the truck had I known that we would be having to skip payments like we do.  Instead of being supportive since it was YOU that borrowed the money you called me a nag.  I am supposed to let you borrow money against bill money and NEVER say a word about being upset that you borrowed the money you NEVER pay back.
IT SUCKS...
I have to pay back the money you borrow so I NEVER have money for me...
I have to deal with debt collectors and bill people all the time not you.
on top of all that I am NEVER to say anything negative to you about it.  NOT FAIR when it was you that had me take out the loan that you always promise to pay on. Then when you don't I am never supposed to say a word.

Hello Rick,
Yesterday was almost a good day....
It started with us having sex I laid in bed with you and well one thing to another...Of course I instantiated us cuddling cuz you never do.
Then you left for Hibbing I got ready for work.
After work we went shopping you helped with bagging the food which was lots easier for me.
Then we went out to dinner.  It was nice.  However you ended it at 8 far sooner then I wanted things to end I was having a real nice time.  Obviously you were not since you dropped me off and went to Larry's
I went to bed you came home about 9 woke me up bitching about the boys and the state of the house.  NOT once did you bitch that your MOM didn't do her share either.  OH NO!! Neither do you btw.  It was a straight ass bitch about my boys and how lazy my boys are.
Not the way I wanted our day to end.  That is for sure.

Today you are not feeling well.  Still bitchy but not nearly as bad as you were last night.

Rick,
I am not allowed to be upset... You get what you want no matter how far behind I am in bills because of your borrowing money that YOU NEVER PAY BACK... You always get what YOU WANT... Game shit cigarettes you still get them. I seldom get what I want.
 It is not fair and I am so  upset about it but yet I am not supposed to say a damn word I have to pretend I am happy all the time.  I am REALLY sick of it.

I wish we could get on the same page but we are not even a part of the same book.  I don't know if we ever can.

• You think spending time is being in two rooms playing a game YOU chose for us                            My idea of spending time is cuddling watching something we both agree on.
• You tell me once you find a job your done with trying to be a JW but then you say your not.
• You spend money like water on stupid SHIT... games is stupid shit you can't hold it it is dumb

Rick,
We went to Superior today... yep we spent time together
We played Conan last night ... Yep we spent time together...
Are we just friends because that is what it feels like.  What kind of couple stuff do we ever do... OH the occasional moment you want to have sex... then I go back to be a peria that don't cut it.
I want cuddle... i want to kiss... which we can't do yet again WHY  because you started smoking hard core today funny thing is you seen that I was not happy about seeing you with a cigarette and you said "just to let you know I am not smoking again"... you say with a cigarette in hand  ... your excuse this time is your out of patches and chew.  You went through a pack of smokes by your damn self... wtf... ... I don't think you REALLY want to quit.  True to my word I didn't say a damn word.  I kept my mouth shut about it didn't lecture you didn't say a word.  Of course I was not happy about it.  How can I be when it keeps us apart.  However you made it clear your going to do what ever the hell you want whether I like it or not.

I am really lonely right now I would love to cuddle..however since your smoking now that is not an option cuz you reak of smoke.  In your book we already spent enough time together.  so your back to playing your damn game.  A game mind you that you want us to pay money into next month.  I am not seeing it as the priority that you are.  You want car parts... there is this wedding we are supposed to be paying for and you want game shit... I don't think so... but like with everything else you will find a way to always get what you want... why because somehow your entitled to it.  dumb if you ask me... what about anything that I may want.  That does not matter and normally it does not.  I feel like I don't matter.  How can I where does it ever show that I matter at all to you?

Rick
I am lonely and you still can't spend time with me.  You would rather play your game.  I wish I had money that I could just leave and have fun alone.  Since that is what I am I am alone.  We are not really boyfriend and girlfriend we are friends.  Then you wonder why I am not interested in having sex.  Go figure?

Autumn,
You don't know it yet but I stopped being your friend today.  When what I tell you gets back to Rick via your Dad... Not once now but three times well I can't have that.  I had hopes we would be good friends.  I kept your secrets but you can't keep mine I am sorry that does not make a good friend at all.

Hello R,
You want to have sex.. I am not feeling it.. I texted you last night and said that was in part in due to the fact that during what I call your "Ogre Week" you did some damage to our relationship.  You don't want to apologize you told me once you felt bad that you acted like that but that was as far as it had gotten.  I tried to  talk to you again today.  You dismissed me.  So our relationship is at a stand still.  I can't move this relationship forward by myself and you seem to be ok with how things sit.  So I don't know what to do.

R.
I don't even know what to say to you.  I am so angry.  I could care less if I ever spend time with you again.  I am so SICK of your crap.

• You lie to me so you can have what you want.  Not giving a damn who gets hurt in the process.  You want guitars... You want to smoke... You want game shit....
• You said you don't want to spend time with me because "we always argue" YOU are the one who makes everything an argument.
• You said you don't want to spend time with me because we ONLY do what I want .  SINCE WHEN?
• You accused me of wanting to be back with M.  AS if .. yeah I want less bills... Because you borrow money to get what you want that you NEVER pay back so I have to pay back money you borrowed .. while you still manage to get what you want. YET no one else can.  I also want someone who wants to spend time with me... That is not you apparently. 
• You keep saying things will change but they NEVER do.  

I love you I keep hoping that we will somehow get back to where we were.  During this last week you said it clearly though you don't think if we can get back there.  After you got super mean the other day yelling at me for having confidence that I could play well enough for your guild players in the game you had me start playing... Then I start crying because of how mean you were being you yelled at me some more .. Sorry it was the high light of your ass HOLE week.  Then to top off your week you lied to me about why D gave you money... Lied that you were supposed to give it back.. .why because you wanted game shit... Then today I find out that some of the money I gave you that put us into debt... for stuff you said we needed was used on game shit.  

Then you now wonder why I am so cold... 

hard to warm up to shit coming out of an ass.